Jonathan postponed elections to frustrate Buhari – NY Times

Jonathan postponed elections to frustrate Buhari – NY Times FEBRUARY 17, 2015 BY ENIOLA AKINKUOTU 580 COMMENTS print Former Head of State, Gen. Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) Former Head of State, Gen. Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) The United States-based New York Times says the postponement of the elections by the Independent National Electoral Commission was orchestrated by President Goodluck Jonathan to frustrate Maj. Gen Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) of the All Progressives Congress. The newspaper, which has won 114 Pulitzer Prizes, further stated that Jonathan appeared to be afraid of the increasing popularity of Buhari, who most Nigerians would likely vote for. It said this in the editorial of its Monday edition titled, “Nigeria’s Miserable Choices”. The publication said, “Any argument to delay the vote might be more credible if President Goodluck Jonathan’s government had not spent much of the past year playing down the threat posed by the militants and if there were a reasonable expectation that the country’s weak military has the ability to improve security in a matter of weeks. “It appears more likely that Mr. Jonathan grew alarmed by the surging appeal of Muhammadu Buhari, a former military ruler who has vowed to crack down on Boko Haram. By dragging out the race, Jonathan stands to deplete his rival’s campaign coffers while he continues to use state funds and institutions to bankroll his own.” It said INEC’s excuse that elections were postponed because security forces wanted to fight insecurity would have been taken in good faith if Jonathan had been tackling insecurity effectively since he took office. The 164-year-old newspaper said that Jonathan had become so unpopular that Nigerians were not afraid of the idea of a former military dictator returning as President. It however said that Jonathan had become worried about the rising insecurity and was willing to accept help from western powers. The newspaper warned that election postponement might increase the level of insecurity rather than reduce it and that Nigeria’s democracy would not survive an electoral crisis. It said, “Beyond security matters, entrenched corruption and the government’s inability to diversify its economy as the price of oil, the country’s financial bedrock, has fallen and has also caused Nigerians to look for new leadership. “Nigeria, the most populous African nation, and a relatively young democracy, cannot afford an electoral crisis. That would only set back the faltering efforts to reassert government control in districts where Boko Haram is sowing terror. “The security forces may not be able to safeguard many districts on Election Day. But postponement is very likely to make the security threat worse.”

I’ll flee Nigeria if APC wins —Bode George

I’ll flee Nigeria if APC wins —Bode George FEBRUARY 17, 2015 BY ENIOLA AKINKUOTU 508 COMMENTS print Chief Bode George Chief Bode George In this interview with ENIOLA AKINKUOTU, a national leader of the Peoples Democratic Party, Chief Bode George, speaks on the recent comments of former President Olusegun Obasanjo and other national issues Former President Olusegun Obasanjo says President Goodluck Jonathan plans to perpetuate himself in government like the former President of Cote d’Ivoire, Laurent Gbagbo. What do you think of this comment? He (Obasanjo) says he is a Christian and as a Christian, it is emphasised in the New Testament of the Bible where Christ said judge not so that you will not be judged. But his judgment is no longer about the policies of Jonathan. He has gone down to the extent of saying Maj. Gen. Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) will jail you (Jonathan), that is why you are afraid. I am holding my breath because in an African setting, you talk to elders with respect and that is why I am trying to get the right words to describe my feelings. Baba (Obasanjo) is not a young man. He was Head of State at 39. So averagely, he should be about 84 or 85 and I am requesting that he should graciously fade away into the midnight. In the Bible, Romans chapter 13 states clearly that we should pray for those in authority. It says pray for your leaders so that they don’t run aground. So, to me that is my own interpretation. If baba (Obasanjo) had attended the Council of State meeting in Abuja, where they were very well briefed, and that it was decided that only the Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission, Prof. Attahiru Jega, that could pronounce a postponement and that he should go and come up with a decision and Jega addressed a press conference. Now to start comparing our President with Gbagbo in Cote d’Ivoire is unjust, unsavoury and unfair because what is the population of Ivory Coast? What are the tribal sentiments of Ivory Coast? Are they the same here? I want to plead with Baba. God has been kind to him and he has served his own time. I don’t want to conclude that his life will be like King Saul in the Bible. I pray it will not be so. Baba has played his role. No generation can finish any job. Nation building is a continuous exercise. You come, do your own and go back into history. Apart from the issue of insecurity which Jega gave as the reason for the postponement of the elections, do you think INEC was ready to conduct the elections on February 14 and 28? I granted an interview recently and there were two posers that I gave to Jega. Thank God Jega is a professor. He told us that there was an 88 per cent collection rate in Borno State where there is massive insurgency as well as in Yobe and Adamawa states. Here, where there is calmness and civility, only 30 something per cent of the populace had collected PVCs. It is just improving. I think as of last Friday over three million had collected as against 5.6 million. And he is saying we are ready. Without the Permanent Voter Cards, you are immediately disenfranchised. Ask Jega that as a professor, will it be fair to conduct an examination whereby you have (students who have) covered 80 per cent syllabus and another class where you have (students who have) covered only 30 per cent syllabus. Is it fair? The other question is this issue of card readers. Have they been tested? I am talking as an electronic engineer of 48 years in practice. You just bought equipment from China and the last time it was tested was in China. Our own environment is not the same. Look at the vagaries of the temperature here from the swampy areas of the South and the savannah in the North. Who has tested the equipment? Now, I am not saying they will not all work but if there are almost 9,000 polling units in Lagos, is he saying all the 9,000 card readers will be functional? If the card readers fail to work in some polling units, what shall we do? Why did the military surround former Governor Bola Tinubu’s house? If Bola Tinubu finds his way into national government, I will go on exile. He hasn’t the temerity and the calmness of mind. They don’t even know what to do in power. Because the vice-president is his boy, he will just order that Bode George should be picked up. He said soldiers came to him but he must have been dreaming. When he said soldiers had surrounded his house, I drove down there because my house is not too far from there. I know the hierarchy of the military and its behaviour. That they surrounded his house is lie number one because on either side of his house are two buildings. There is also one at the back. So, I wondered where the soldiers were hiding. Why would you lie for public consumption? So when I got down there, I knew that his spin doctors were working. These days people go on the social media and the story went viral. Why would he (President Godluck Jonathan) from Abuja, be running after Bola? Let them be very careful about the statements they are making. More so, if Obasanjo is now linking Jonathan with what happened in Cote d’Ivoire and coup; not in this 21st Century. That is past and gone forever. No nation goes through this kind of tribulation twice and survive. We have had our own experience of Civil War and I pray that God does not direct our minds in that direction and our people have to watch their mouths. The general perception in Lagos is that the governorship race is between yourself and Tinubu. Absolutely not! In the PDP, no individual owns the party. I happen to have been the first national vice chairman, South-West PDP, and then became deputy national chairman South and then deputy national chairman for the whole country and having done that, they have honoured me that as long as I remain in the party, I remain a member of the Board of Trustees and I am the only one representing the South-West in the national caucus forever. That is a great honour in our party but I don’t decide who becomes a candidate. Primaries were conducted and in this particular case, the voice of the people became louder than anybody’s. I am not like Bola Tinubu, I don’t have the papers of the party in my pocket. I don’t even have a veto power. But the other side doesn’t practice democracy. We have friends that are members there. Jimi Agbaje has no godfather but will not behave like an authoritarian governor. But Senator Musiliu Obanikoro said you were the one that imposed Agbaje. That is absolute garbage, he knew he was lying. You know he came from their party and that is why he was saying it was me. He has now retracted the statement. We are now one indivisible party and we are ready for election. All the vagaries and all that happened during the primary was a test of the ability and the strength of our party and we listened to the voice of the people. The voice of the people is the voice of God. Jonathan’s perception in the South-West is not as favourable as it was in 2011. There has been blame on you and other PDP Yoruba leaders for allowing Buhari to increase in popularity in the South-West. If you had said this about two or three weeks ago, I would have agreed. I got these feelers straight to my face. People came to me and said they would vote for Agbaje but they will not vote for Jonathan because he had done nothing for us here. And I explained that there is a general misunderstanding of the concept of operation in this country. The long periods of military rule presupposed that the Head of State was responsible for everything and it is that same thinking that is responsible for this situation. We are all hands on deck explaining the differences between military governance and democratic governance. Highly educated people, my age groups, were asking me this question but I explained to them that 60 per cent of the impact the President will have on you is through the federal allocation to your state. Does he give every state and every local government allocation? Yes. They collect it religiously every 30 days. In the area of security, he guarantees it. It is only three states in the North-East battling insecurity. There is peace and he guarantees that. What of infrastructure? All federal roads in Lagos from Alfred Rewane in Ikoyi all the way to Third Mainland Bridge and Ebute Meta are federal roads. Are they like the roads in Somolu and Akowonjo? Secondly, the APC refused to participate in the National Conference. Since he (Buhari) has refused to debate, what will he do about the resolution unanimously reached by the National Conference? What will happen to the report? The decisions of the National Conference are so germane to the future of this country. The more reasons why the man who conceptualised it should be allowed to implement his decisions.

THE SECRET BEHIND APC

M posting this cos I just realized that a huge percentage of APC leaders are muslims,I never gave ears to this clams before but we Nigerians should wake up. ‪#‎serious‬ decide which religion you want to be under the Nigerian constitution, then the same constitution now has sharia inside the constitution and sharia says if you dare change your religion from Islam to other religion, You will die, Sharia says, if you practice any other religion apart from Islam, you must die, both of them are inside the constitution, so you have to captain inside the same boat, that is what is wrong with Nigeria. It is clear in the Nigeria of today that if you touch Sharia, get ready for a bloodbath, They are ready to kill to retain sharia, For it is only when we stand on section 38 that we can now build a society that is founded upon liberty, Justice, equity and fairness, That is why the crisis in the north is endless, Boko Haram killing daily to take over Nigeria. Why is Boko Haram Killing? They want sharia, why do they want sharia? That is what is in the constitution. Corruption is the symptoms of the real problem, the real disease is the dual ideology and only the Church can pray it out, but right now the church is praying other prayers. In 1983, OIC held a strategy meeting in London, in that meeting, they strategized how to turn the whole of Africa into an Islamic continent, They produced a 322 page document after that strategy section 156 pages focused on Nigeria, they identified seven key nation that must be captured before they can turn Africa into an Islamic continent, The Seven Nation are Nigeria, Kenya, Liberia, Malawi, Cote D'Ivoire, South Africa and Democratic republic of Congo, OIC says these seven Nations must primarily be Islamised and of these seven Nation Nigeria is number one After they did that OIC now zoned Nigeria, (Now this is interesting) our current geo political zones structure, South -South, South- east, North- east, North -west, North Central was not design by any Nigerian government. There is no Nigerian Law backing it, it was not passed by any constituent assembly or by any constitutional sitting or by any national referendum. It was designed by OIC in 1983. OIC broke Nigeria into six zones not to unite us as a people, not to develop us as a nation but to break us into little groups for the purpose of Islamization, They have taken the north west, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, They have taken the north east, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, they are battling furiously for the north central, while the train at the same time has transform into a political machinery and has moved into the south west The next battle ground for 2015 is the south-west, the south west is the key that is where the intellectuals are, that is where the press are, that is where the manufacturing industries are, That is where the banking industries are, whatever you get in the south west, You can take it anywhere in Nigeria, It will sell Now there has been a handshake under the guise of a political party, Nigerians should wake up, This is more than Politics, it is an Islamic Agenda When they finished, they handed their strategy to Sheu Musa Yaradua, He presented it at the 1988 constituent assembly that was how it entered the Nigerian consciousness. Until Abacha became the head of states, When he wanted to transmute from military head of state to a civilian, he called Dr Alex Ekweme to restructure Nigeria for him, Alex Ekweme gave him these six geo Political zones structure, the real independent of Nigeria started on April 28th, 1996 that was why Abacha said he wanted six vice Presidents one for each geo Political zones. Nigerian real independent was on 28th of April 1996, The day Sani Abacha was used by God to deposed Dasuki, the Sultan of Sokoto, sacked him and appointed Machido M posting this cos I just realized that a huge percentage of APC leaders are muslims,I never gave ears to this clams before but we Nigerians should wake up. #serious decide which religion you want to be under the Nigerian constitution, then the same constitution now has sharia inside the constitution and sharia says if you dare change your religion from Islam to other religion, You will die, Sharia says, if you practice any other religion apart from Islam, you must die, both of them are inside the constitution, so you have to captain inside the same boat, that is what is wrong with Nigeria. It is clear in the Nigeria of today that if you touch Sharia, get ready for a bloodbath, They are ready to kill to retain sharia, For it is only when we stand on section 38 that we can now build a society that is founded upon liberty, Justice, equity and fairness, That is why the crisis in the north is endless, Boko Haram killing daily to take over Nigeria. Why is Boko Haram Killing? They want sharia, why do they want sharia? That is what is in the constitution. Corruption is the symptoms of the real problem, the real disease is the dual ideology and only the Church can pray it out, but right now the church is praying other prayers. In 1983, OIC held a strategy meeting in London, in that meeting, they strategized how to turn the whole of Africa into an Islamic continent, They produced a 322 page document after that strategy section 156 pages focused on Nigeria, they identified seven key nation that must be captured before they can turn Africa into an Islamic continent, The Seven Nation are Nigeria, Kenya, Liberia, Malawi, Cote D'Ivoire, South Africa and Democratic republic of Congo, OIC says these seven Nations must primarily be Islamised and of these seven Nation Nigeria is number one After they did that OIC now zoned Nigeria, (Now this is interesting) our current geo political zones structure, South -South, South- east, North- east, North -west, North Central was not design by any Nigerian government. There is no Nigerian Law backing it, it was not passed by any constituent assembly or by any constitutional sitting or by any national referendum. It was designed by OIC in 1983. OIC broke Nigeria into six zones not to unite us as a people, not to develop us as a nation but to break us into little groups for the purpose of Islamization, They have taken the north west, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, They have taken the north east, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, they are battling furiously for the north central, while the train at the same time has transform into a political machinery and has moved into the south west The next battle ground for 2015 is the south-west, the south west is the key that is where the intellectuals are, that is where the press are, that is where the manufacturing industries are, That is where the banking industries are, whatever you get in the south west, You can take it anywhere in Nigeria, It will sell Now there has been a handshake under the guise of a political party, Nigerians should wake up, This is more than Politics, it is an Islamic Agenda When they finished, they handed their strategy to Sheu Musa Yaradua, He presented it at the 1988 constituent assembly that was how it entered the Nigerian consciousness. Until Abacha became the head of states, When he wanted to transmute from military head of state to a civilian, he called Dr Alex Ekweme to restructure Nigeria for him, Alex Ekweme gave him these six geo Political zones structure, the real independent of Nigeria started on April 28th, 1996 that was why Abacha said he wanted six vice Presidents one for each geo Political zones. Nigerian real independent was on 28th of April 1996, The day Sani Abacha was used by God to deposed Dasuki, the Sultan of Sokoto, sacked him and appointed Machido Like · · Share

successful marriage

Successful Marriage by America's Love and Marriage Experts Did you ever wonder why some people find the perfect person to marry, do so, and enjoy a love affair that lasts a lifetime? On the other hand, some marry a person that is wrong for them now, wrong for them tomorrow, and wrong for them for a lifetime? What’s the difference? Why do some succeed at love and marriage where others fail? One of our mentors, Don Clifton, the former CEO of the world renowned Gallup Organization (rest his soul), often reminded us of the power of “pervasive personality characteristics.” Don defined “pervasive” as “a recurring pattern of thought and behavior.” In other words, these are the personality characteristics that a human being develops within the first two decades of life that, for the most part, defines who they are for a lifetime. Don believed that you are what you are by the time you become an adult. Changing who and what you are becomes nearly impossible after that. So what is the lesson in all this? Simple really. The people you meet in life are, by the time they reach adulthood, pretty much what they are. They won’t change much, if at all. The hard truth is, they can’t change who they really are, even if they wanted to. Oh, sure, people as adults can make you believe from time to time that they are something different than what they really are, but in the end, they are, well, they are what they are. Make no mistake about that. When it comes to love and marriage, there is a truism that trumps all truisms. It goes like this – pay close and careful attention to the words, deeds, and actions of the person you think you are falling in love with. And in the end, pay most of your attention to their actions, first and foremost! The truth is a person’s actions speak so much louder than their words. Never lose sight of this truism for to do so is put your heart, your health, and your happiness at peril. As love and marriage experts, one of the questions we are most often asked throughout the world is this: “What are the secrets of a successful marriage?” Our immediate answer is always the same – marry the right person! On the surface this may seem like a flippant answer to such a serious question, but it isn’t really. If people who think they are falling in love with someone would pay more attention to their actions and not the words, they wouldn’t miss the telltale signs. Here’s how it works. You think you love a guy. He tells you all of the right things. But over time you begin to notice that his actions belie his words. He tells you he respects you but dismisses your opinions. He waxes on about how he puts you on a pedestal but never opens the door for you when he gets to it first. He tells you how he wants the relationship between the two of you a shared relationship, and then he makes all the decisions. You get the idea. We could go on. The point is this – if you fail to notice and question the actions of the one you purport to love in the early stages of your relationship then you are deluding yourself into thinking he/she will change later on. They rarely do. And so often, those that ignore the signs and the warnings end up getting married, only to discover later on that the person they married is not who they thought he/she was. So, back to the earlier question – the best secret to a successful marriage is marrying the right person in the first place! Taking the time to carefully observe the actions of another person over a period of time tells you a lot more about them than their words ever could. All too often we hear one or both people in a marriage lament to us that if they had only paid attention to the telltale signs, they would not have married the person they married. Many of these relationships end in divorce. We don’t mean to suggest that it is always easy to tell if the one you think you love is one you can have a successful marriage with. We do, however, believe strongly that paying close and careful attention to the one you are thinking about marrying in the early stages of your relationship can save a lot of failed marriages from happening in the first place. This is the ultimate key to a successful marriage. If you consciously and rationally believe that the words, deeds, and actions of the one you are thinking of marrying all jive and are consistent, then your marriage has half a chance at being successful. In the end, a marriage built on this foundation has a reasonable chance of success. And while we often say that a successful marriage is an accumulation of the simple things, and that a good marriage is simple to understand, we always remind people that you have to do the simple things each and every day of your lives together to make it work.  Making marriage a success requires hard work. If you base your marriage on a lie – you ignored the actions you were observing in the person you were falling in love with – then all of the simple things required to make a marriage work will more than likely not be enough to carry the day. Pervasive characteristics in people are very real. They define who they are and they almost never change. As we always say, keep your eyes wide open when you are falling in love. You won’t regret it later. One final note – never enter a marriage thinking you can ignore the behaviors now and change them later. Too many have fallen prey to this notion. It rarely ever works.

what can save your marriage

Sign-up to receive our newsletter    DONATE MarriageParentingBlended FamiliesFaithBlogRadioEventsShopFind HelpSearchSUBSCRIBE Dipping Our Toes Dipping Our Toes*** Dipping Our Toes*** 00:00 00:00 Homepage / Articles / Marriage / Communication 5 Communication Tools That Saved My Marriage Early in our marriage, these simple principles change our hearts and transformed our relationship. By Rob Flood   Share on emailShare on print We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage. One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" She would hear, "I can't believe you haven't prepared dinner again tonight!" She would say, "What time are you coming home?" I would hear, "You better get here and help me because you're never here." We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming. In counseling we began learning about intentional communication. I remember thinking, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. This stuff is so simple … I can't believe I'm paying this guy for this." But, once I got off of my high horse, I realized something very simple yet profound: If communication was really that simple, everyone would be doing it and all of our communication would glorify God and reflect His image (1 Peter 4:11; Ephesians 4:29). Glorifying God did not describe my communication, and it may not describe yours either. In fact, many of us struggle to communicate well even with those we love the most: our siblings, our parents, our children, our spouse. The road I took to learn about communication was a tough one. Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart. 1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds. You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26). The implications of following Jesus' example were huge. My wife's sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it. 2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her. A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension. You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it's a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it's your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations. During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina's legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.) As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. We found what I'm certain you'll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep touching or to stop touching so we could keep fighting. This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track. 3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen. The book of Proverbs tells us, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!" (15:23). Typically, the first opportunity Gina and I have to talk about the day is at dinner. We often take time then to catch up. With four young children, our dinner table is an active and busy one. Consequently, we cannot practically have an extended and meaningful conversation. So, if something has occurred that I must discuss with Gina, I will wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner is to invite frustration and ineffectiveness. Let's look at a couple of scenarios where we're more likely to fail. Gina is a very intentional homemaker and often has wonderful ideas on how to better serve our family. Let's say she is contemplating a new approach to family dining. She's been thinking through this for weeks and she's now ready to get my input. This is a very good thing—but probably not at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon when I'm watching a football game. I'm also prone to fall into the poor timing trap. For example, Gina and I could be downstairs enjoying normal conversation. We head upstairs at 11:30 p.m. and Gina is ready for bed. As the lights go out, I ask, "What do you think God is doing with the children?" This is a question Gina would love for me to ask … about three hours earlier. When 11:30 comes, she's ready for bed—not an extensive discussion. There are times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game goes off and we talk. Or, the lights go back on and we're up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather than the rule. The majority of the time, we should be more strategic in the timing of our conversations. 4. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation. The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge." Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you're not sure if your spouse is getting what you're talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: "What do you mean by that?" Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying … ?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said. As we learned this principle, I often didn't like Gina's negative or inaccurate summaries of my statements. So, I defended them and failed to allow her the freedom to speak honestly. In time, I learned that her summaries actually were quite accurate; my reactions were negative because I didn't like how they exposed me. The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring. 5. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide. This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We've become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by. No matter what principle you might be using at the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond prayer. I have tended to overestimate my own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evidenced in our first year of marriage. We will eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God's intended purpose for it, we have a choice: Will we be puffed up with pride or will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem our conversation? I wish someone would have shared with me what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer: The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory. One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing. We learned an easy fix to this … start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you'll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable. The transformation never ends As a result of God's grace intersecting with these principles, communication is now among the greatest strengths of our marriage. It's not that we don't still mess up—we do. Thankfully, God continues to work on me. He'll continue to work on you, too. At one time, I was convinced that I married the wrong woman. She was convinced she married the wrong man. Now, we cannot imagine knowing, loving, or enjoying anyone more than we do each other. Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we're willing to apply some intentional principles. We've all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.   Next Steps: FamilyLife Wants to Help You Build Your Marriage. Here are three steps you can take to improve your relationship: Read our most popular articles on marriageListen to Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife, talk about "Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage" on a FamilyLife Today radio series.Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. FamilyLife offers dozens of fun, romantic getaways across the country. Learn how to build intimacy, improve communication, and take your marriage to the next level! Share on emailShare on print Comments You Might Also Find These HelpfulCommunicationAre You Married to Your Cell Phone?CommunicationReclaiming Date NightCommunicationThe Number One Problem in Marriage Recommended ResourceThe Language of Love and RespectBy Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Find more resources MARRIAGEBusyness and stressChoosing a spouseCommitmentCommunicationDeath of a spouseDrifting apartEmpty nest and midlifeEngagements and weddingsFinancesForgivenessGrowing spirituallyHardship and sufferingHusbandsInfidelityMarriage counselingMilitary marriageNewlywedsRealities of divorceRecovering from divorceResolving conflictRomance and SexSaving a marriageSpiritually mismatchedUnderstanding differencesWivesView all marriage topicsPARENTINGAdoption and orphansAdult childrenAnger and rebellionAttitude problemsCharacter developmentDiscipline and spankingFathersFrazzled familyGodly legacyLoss of a childMaking memoriesModesty and appearanceMothersPraying for your childrenRaising boysRaising girlsReleasing your childSexual puritySingle parentingSpecial needs childSpiritual developmentTeensTweensYoung ChildrenView all parenting topicsBLENDED FAMILYDating and marriageMultiple home realitiesRelationship with stepchildrenRemarrying your ex-spouseStaying marriedStepfamily livingStepparenting skillsWorking as a teamMinistering to stepfamiliesView all blended family topicsFAITHBecoming a ChristianChurch involvementGrowing in your faithReaching outRepentanceSpiritual disciplinesView all faith topicsLIFE ISSUESAddictionChildren of divorceCultural issuesDeath and dyingDepressionGrandparentingHomosexualityHonoring your parentsIn-laws and othersLoss of a childMedia and entertainmentMenMental and emotional issuesPornographyWomenWorkaholismView all life issue topicsHOLIDAYSChristmasEaster and LentFather's DayMother's DayThanksgivingValentine's DayView all holiday topics FIND HELPListen to FamilyLife TodayView video topicsAttend an eventFind small group studiesShop our storeGet an eMentorHelp for pastorsLocate international partnersJoin our teamRead privacy policyFind us on FacebookJoin us on Twitter Call Toll Free 1-800-FL-TODAY About us Contact us Make a donation   PreviousNext © Copyright 2015 FamilyLife®. All Rights Reserved. FamilyLife® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation and all gifts are tax deductible as allowed by law.

8 lies that can destroy your marriage

Sign-up to receive our newsletter    DONATE MarriageParentingBlended FamiliesFaithBlogRadioEventsShopFind HelpSearchSUBSCRIBE Dipping Our Toes Dipping Our Toes*** Dipping Our Toes*** 00:00 00:00 Homepage / Articles / Marriage / Biblical foundation for marriage Marriage | 8 Lies That Destroy Marriage Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. By Bill Elliff   Share on emailShare on print Imagine meeting with an engaged couple a few weeks before they are married. With excitement they describe how they met and how their relationship developed. The husband-to-be proudly describes how he set up a perfect romantic evening so he could pop the big question. Then they surprise you by saying, “We want to get married and have some children. At first we will feel a lot of love for each other. Then we’ll start arguing and hating each other. In a few years, we’ll get a divorce.” Who would enter marriage intending to get a divorce? And yet, divorce is occurring at alarming rates. A large number of people in my church have been hurt deeply by divorce—they’ve been divorced themselves, or they’ve felt the pain of a parent or relative divorcing. As common as divorce is, I’m convinced that most of them could be avoided. Mark this down on the tablet of your heart: Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. Our culture promotes many deceptions that can quickly destroy a marriage. Here are eight: Lie #1. "My happiness is the most important thing about my marriage.”   As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, “I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.” But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage. The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed,” do for the glory of God. While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character … all the way to the end of time. Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. Every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness. Lie #2. “If I don’t love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce.”    It’s a tragedy to lose love in marriage. But the loss of human love can teach us to access a deeper love—the very love of God Himself. That love is patient and kind … it never fails (1 Corinthians 13). It even cares for its enemies. When human love dies in a marriage, a couple can enter into one of the most exciting adventures they’ll ever have: learning how to love each other with God’s love. Romans 5:5 tells us that this very love “has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit.” Lie #3. “My private immorality does not affect my marriage.” A lot of people think, I can view pornography in the privacy of my home. It’s just me and my magazine, or computer … it doesn’t affect my marriage.  Oneness in marriage is hijacked by sexual immorality. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:15, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?” In the 21st century, there are many ways to join oneself with a prostitute: physically, through the pages of a magazine, on a computer’s video screen, etc. Paul’s advice is the same today as it was thousands of years ago: Flee immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).   If you take your emotional and sexual energy and spend it on someone else, there will be nothing left for your spouse. Those who continually view pornography or engage in sexual fantasies are isolating themselves.  Lie #4. “My sin (or my spouse’s sin) is so bad that I need to get a divorce.” The truth is God can fix our failures—any failure. The Bible says to forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven us (Colossians. 3:13). “But,” you ask, “Doesn’t Matthew 19:9 say that God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality?” Yes. I believe that it does—when there is an extended period of unrepentance. Yet, nowhere in that passage does God demand divorce. When there is sexual sin, we should seek to redeem the marriage and so illustrate the unfathomable forgiveness of God. Some of the greatest life messages I know are the marriages of people who have repented from sexual sin and spouses who have forgiven them. Their lives today are living testimonies to the truth found in Joel 2:25: “… I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” Lie #5. “I married the wrong person.” Many people have told me, for example, that they are free to divorce because they married an unbeliever. “I thought he/she would become a Christian, but that didn’t happen. We need to get a divorce.” They recall that they knew it was a mistake, but they married anyway—hoping it would work out. Others claim that they just married someone who wasn’t a good match, someone who wasn’t a true “soul mate.” A wrong start in marriage does not justify another wrong step. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good,” says Romans 8:28, “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” God tells us not to be poured into the world’s mold. Instead we are to be transformed and that begins in our minds. By doing this, God will give us exactly what we need for our lives. God’s will for us is good, acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2). Here’s the key for those who are now married: The Bible clearly says do not divorce (with the exception for extended, unrepentant sexual immorality). God can take even the worst things of life and work them together for good if we will just trust Him. Lie #6. “My spouse and I are incompatible.”  I don’t know a lot of husbands and wives who are truly compatible when they get married. In marriage, God joins together two flawed people. If I will respond correctly to my spouse’s weaknesses, then God can teach me forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, mercy, humility, and brokenness. The life of a person who believes in Jesus Christ is developed by responses to not only happy things, but also to difficulties. And those very difficulties include weaknesses.   That is why we are told in Colossians 3:12-13 to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other.” My spouse’s weaknesses are not hindrances. Instead, they are the doorway to spiritual growth. This is a liberating truth. If I will respond to my spouse’s shortcomings with unconditional acceptance, my love won’t be based on performance. I won’t say, “You need to live up to these expectations.” I will be able to accept my spouse, weaknesses and all. And that acceptance will swing open the door of change for not only my spouse, but also for me. Lie #7. “Breaking the marriage covenant won’t hurt me or my children.” When divorce enters a family, there are always scars. I know this firsthand; although I was an adult when my father committed adultery and divorced my mother, decades later there are still effects. Many consequences of divorce never go away. Blake Hudspeth, our church’s youth pastor, also understands the pain of divorce. He was 5 years old when his parents divorced, and it was hard for him to understand God as Father and to trust people. “The people I trusted the most split up.” He also found it difficult to accept love from others “because I didn’t know if they truly loved me.” And Blake developed a fear of marriage. “Am I going to follow the trend of divorce, because my parents and grandparents divorced?” Blake’s father even wrote him and said, “This was the worst decision I made in my life. It was bad. It hurt you. It hurt our family. When I divorced your mom, I divorced our family because I broke a covenant that we were a part of.” Blake says that his parents (who both remarried) have embraced the gospel, resulting in him readily accepting advice and encouragement from them. “Watching the gospel play out … with my mom and dad was huge,” he says. Lie #8. “There’s no hope for my marriage—it can’t be fixed.”  This may be the most devastating lie of all. Because in more than four decades of counseling couples, I’ve seen God do the seeming impossible thousands of times. In a dying marriage, He just needs two willing parties. God knows how to get us out of the messes we get ourselves into. I tell these couples about people like Chuck and Ann, who were involved in drugs and alcohol before God restored their home. Or Lee and Greg, who were engaged in multiple affairs. God brought them back to Christ and to each other. Now they have six children and a marriage ministry. Or Jim and Carol who had taken off their wedding rings and were living in separate bedrooms and about to live in separate worlds when God redeemed them. If you begin to think, There is no hope for my marriage, realize that, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). We must combat the lies about marriage. The truth will set us free (John 8:32). God can fix anything! Copyright © 2012 by Bill Elliff. Used with permission. Bill Elliff is the directional pastor of The Summit Church in North Little Rock, Arkansas. His passion is to see both genuine revival and methodological renewal in the church. He is a frequent conference speaker, writer, and consultant to churches drawing from his four decades of pastoring and revival ministry. He is also involved in helping lead “OneCry! A Nationwide Call for Spiritual Awakening.” Bill and his wife, Holly, have eight children and six grandkids (at last count).   Next Steps: FamilyLife Wants to Help You Build Your Marriage. Here are three steps you can take to improve your relationship: Read our most popular articles on marriageListen to Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife, talk about "Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage" on a FamilyLife Today radio series.Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. FamilyLife offers dozens of fun, romantic getaways across the country. Learn how to build intimacy, improve communication, and take your marriage to the next level! Share on emailShare on print Comments You Might Also Find These HelpfulBiblical foundation for marriage8 Decisions That Will Define Your MarriageBiblical foundation for marriageShock Your Spouse and Kids With This QuestionBiblical foundation for marriageEmbracing God's Purposes for Marriage Recommended ResourceSacred MarriageBy Gary Thomas MARRIAGEBusyness and stressChoosing a spouseCommitmentCommunicationDeath of a spouseDrifting apartEmpty nest and midlifeEngagements and weddingsFinancesForgivenessGrowing spirituallyHardship and sufferingHusbandsInfidelityMarriage counselingMilitary marriageNewlywedsRealities of divorceRecovering from divorceResolving conflictRomance and SexSaving a marriageSpiritually mismatchedUnderstanding differencesWivesView all marriage topicsPARENTINGAdoption and orphansAdult childrenAnger and rebellionAttitude problemsCharacter developmentDiscipline and spankingFathersFrazzled familyGodly legacyLoss of a childMaking memoriesModesty and appearanceMothersPraying for your childrenRaising boysRaising girlsReleasing your childSexual puritySingle parentingSpecial needs childSpiritual developmentTeensTweensYoung ChildrenView all parenting topicsBLENDED FAMILYDating and marriageMultiple home realitiesRelationship with stepchildrenRemarrying your ex-spouseStaying marriedStepfamily livingStepparenting skillsWorking as a teamMinistering to stepfamiliesView all blended family topicsFAITHBecoming a ChristianChurch involvementGrowing in your faithReaching outRepentanceSpiritual disciplinesView all faith topicsLIFE ISSUESAddictionChildren of divorceCultural issuesDeath and dyingDepressionGrandparentingHomosexualityHonoring your parentsIn-laws and othersLoss of a childMedia and entertainmentMenMental and emotional issuesPornographyWomenWorkaholismView all life issue topicsHOLIDAYSChristmasEaster and LentFather's DayMother's DayThanksgivingValentine's DayView all holiday topics FIND HELPListen to FamilyLife TodayView video topicsAttend an eventFind small group studiesShop our storeGet an eMentorHelp for pastorsLocate international partnersJoin our teamRead privacy policyFind us on FacebookJoin us on Twitter Call Toll Free 1-800-FL-TODAY About us Contact us Make a donation   PreviousNext © Copyright 2015 FamilyLife®. All Rights Reserved. FamilyLife® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation and all gifts are tax deductible as allowed by law.

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