Tuesday, 17 February 2015

How to Stop Making the Same Mistakes Over and Over Again

How to Stop Making the Same Mistakes Over and Over Again Old habits die hard. This can be an excruciatingly painful lesson to learn, especially when it comes to making mistakes in business. While mishaps aren’t always a bad thing (the process of well-planned trial and error can teach lessons that textbooks cannot), often entrepreneurs get in a rut where they repeat the same mistakes over and over again. This slippery slope of developing these negative habits can have devastating consequences on a business’ success -- if not caught before they become ingrained in established processes. One way to effectively combat falling into these habits is to constantly stay in the mode of creativity. A creative mindset is one that evaluates problems, adapts to circumstances and implements lasting, valuable solutions. Need a little thinking outside the box? Try these techniques. Related: The Daily Schedules of Creative Geniuses (Interactive Graphic) Switch it up. To catch these negative habits, sometimes you have to interrupt habits altogether. Switch up your morning routine by traveling a different route to work or stopping at a different coffee shop along the way. One simple change in routine can create a domino effect and inspire you to do other things differently. Visualize the process. Begin a brainstorming session by getting out a piece of paper, clearing the dry-erase board or grabbing a napkin and drawing the number-one area of opportunity the business would benefit from focusing on. What does it look like? Don’t be afraid of being silly or thinking of ideas that are completely out there, in the end, these very concepts could very well hold the answers you’re seeking. Pretend you’re in a different position. To see things from a different angle, sometimes you have to literally move where you’re sitting. So, even though you know what your employees’ duties are, do you know what the day looks like through their eyes? Ask to shadow them for an hour one day and you may see the world differently. Related: 10 Must-See Videos on Business, Creativity and Success Observe without judgment. That one idea that you’re heavily resistant to could have some valid concepts layered within it. Often, judgments are immediate responses and can cut observation off at its source. Simple observation is the root of inspiration and inspiration fuels creativity Get weird. Do something unconventional. Don’t be afraid to have fun. Sometimes, creativity can be stifled when office environments seem too “stuffy”. Have an employee talent show. Host an ice cream social. Have one day where all of the staff can dress up like their favorite character from The Walking Dead. Seriously. These types of activities help people loosen up, which could lead to creative solutions.

8 Common Thinking Mistakes Our Brains Make Every Day and How to Prevent Them

Get ready to have your mind blown. I was seriously shocked at some of these mistakes in thinking that I subconsciously make all the time. Obviously, none of them are huge, life-threatening mistakes, but they are really surprising and avoiding them could help us to make more rational, sensible decisions. Especially as we strive for continued self-improvement as we build Buffer’s social media management platform, if we look at our values, being aware of the mistakes we naturally have in our thinking can make a big difference in avoiding them. Unfortunately, most of these occur subconsciously, so it will also take time and effort to avoid them—if you even want to. Regardless, I think it’s fascinating to learn more about how we think and make decisions every day, so let’s take a look at some of these thinking habits we didn’t know we had. 1. We surround ourselves with information that matches our beliefs We tend to like people who think like us. If we agree with someone’s beliefs, we’re more likely to be friends with them. While this makes sense, it means that we subconsciously begin to ignore or dismiss anything that threatens our world views, since we surround ourselves with people and information that confirm what we already think. mistakes in how we think - confirmation bias, thinking mistakes This is called confirmation bias. If you’ve ever heard of the frequency illusion, this is very similar. The frequency illusion occurs when you buy a new car, and suddenly you see the same car everywhere. Or when a pregnant woman suddenly notices other pregnant women all over the place. It’s a passive experience, where our brains seek out information that’s related to us, but we believe there’s been an actual increase in the frequency of those occurrences. It’s similar to how improving our body language can actually also change who we are as people. Confirmation bias is a more active form of the same experience. It happens when we proactively seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs. mistakes in how we think, confirmation bias, thinking mistakes Not only do we do this with the information we take in, but we approach our memories this way, as well. In an experiment in 1979 at the University of Minnesota, participants read a story about a women called Jane who acted extroverted in some situations and introverted in others. When the participants returned a few days later, they were divided into two groups. One group was asked if Jane would be suited to a job as a librarian, the other group were asked about her having a job as a real-estate agent. The librarian group remembered Jane as being introverted and later said that she would not be suited to a real-estate job. The real-estate group did the exact opposite: they remembered Jane as extroverted, said she would be suited to a real-estate job and when they were later asked if she would make a good librarian, they said no. mistakes in how we think - confirmation bias 3 In 2009, a study at Ohio State showed that we will spend 36 percent more time reading an essay if it aligns with our opinions. Whenever your opinions or beliefs are so intertwined with your self-image you couldn’t pull them away without damaging your core concepts of self, you avoid situations which may cause harm to those beliefs. – David McRaney mistakes in how we think - confirmation bias 4 This trailer for David McRaney’s book, You are Now Less Dumb, explains this concept really well with a story about how people used to think geese grew on trees (seriously), and how challenging our beliefs on a regular basis is the only way to avoid getting caught up in the confirmation bias: 2. We believe in the “swimmer’s body” illusion This has to be one of my favorite thinking mistakes I came across. In Rolf Dobelli’s book, The Art of Thinking Clearly, he explains how our ideas about talent and extensive training are well off-track: Professional swimmers don’t have perfect bodies because they train extensively. Rather, they are good swimmers because of their physiques. How their bodies are designed is a factor for selection and not the result of their activities. mistakes in how we think - swimmer's body illusion, thinking mistakes The “swimmer’s body illusion” occurs when we confuse selection factors with results. Another good example is top performing universities: are they actually the best schools, or do they choose the best students, who do well regardless of the school’s influence? Our mind often plays tricks on us and that is one of the key ones to be aware of. What really jumped out at me when researching this section was this particular line from Dobelli’s book: Without this illusion, half of advertising campaigns would not work. It makes perfect sense, when you think about it. If we believed that we were predisposed to be good at certain things (or not), we wouldn’t buy into ad campaigns that promised to improve our skills in areas where it’s unlikely we’ll ever excel. This is similar to the skill of learning to say no, or how our creativity actually works: Both diverge strongly to what we think is true, versus what actions will actually help us get the result we want. 3. We worry about things we’ve already lost No matter how much I pay attention to the sunk cost fallacy, I still naturally gravitate towards it. The term sunk cost refers to any cost (not just monetary, but also time and effort) that has been paid already and cannot be recovered. So, a payment of time or money that’s gone forever, basically. The reason we can’t ignore the cost, even though it’s already been paid, is that we wired to feel loss far more strongly than gain. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman explains this in his book, Thinking Fast and Slow: Organisms that placed more urgency on avoiding threats than they did on maximizing opportunities were more likely to pass on their genes. So, over time, the prospect of losses has become a more powerful motivator on your behavior than the promise of gains. The sunk cost fallacy plays on this tendency of ours to emphasize loss over gain. This research study is a great example of how it works: Hal Arkes and Catehrine Blumer created an experiment in 1985 which demonstrated your tendency to go fuzzy when sunk costs come along. They asked subjects to assume they had spent $100 on a ticket for a ski trip in Michigan, but soon after found a better ski trip in Wisconsin for $50 and bought a ticket for this trip too. They then asked the people in the study to imagine they learned the two trips overlapped and the tickets couldn’t be refunded or resold. Which one do you think they chose, the $100 good vacation, or the $50 great one? Over half of the people in the study went with the more expensive trip. It may not have promised to be as fun, but the loss seemed greater. So, just like the other mistakes I’ve explained in this post, the sunk cost fallacy leads us to miss or ignore the logical facts presented to us, and instead make irrational decisions based on our emotions—without even realizing we’re doing so: The fallacy prevents you from realizing the best choice is to do whatever promises the better experience in the future, not which negates the feeling of loss in the past. Being such a subconscious reaction, it’s hard to avoid this one. Our best bet is to try to separate the current facts we have from anything that happened in the past. For instance, if you buy a movie ticket only to realize the movie is terrible, you could either: a) stay and watch the movie, to “get your money’s worth” since you’ve already paid for the ticket (sunk cost fallacy) or b) leave the cinema and use that time to do something you’ll actually enjoy. The thing to remember is this: you can’t get that investment back. It’s gone. Don’t let it cloud your judgement in whatever decision you’re making in this moment—let it remain in the past. 4. We incorrectly predict odds Imagine you’re playing Heads or Tails with a friend. You flip a coin, over and over, each time guessing whether it will turn up heads or tails. You have a 50/50 chance of being right each time. Now suppose you’ve flipped the coin five times already and it’s turned up heads every time. Surely, surely, the next one will be tails, right? The chances of it being tails must be higher now, right? Well, no. The chances of tails turning up are 50/50. Every time. Even if you turned up heads the last twenty times. The odds don’t change. mistakes in how we think - gambler's fallacy, thinking mistakes The gambler’s fallacy is a glitch in our thinking—once again, we’re proven to be illogical creatures. The problem occurs when we place too much weight on past events and confuse our memory with how the world actually works, believing that they will have an effect on future outcomes (or, in the case of Heads or Tails, any weight, since past events make absolutely no difference to the odds). mistakes in how we think - gambler's fallacy Unfortunately, gambling addictions in particular are also affected by a similar mistake in thinking—the positive expectation bias. This is when we mistakenly think that eventually, our luck has to change for the better. Somehow, we find it impossible to accept bad results and give up—we often insist on keeping at it until we get positive results, regardless of what the odds of that happening actually are. 5. We rationalize purchases we don’t want I’m as guilty of this as anyone. How many times have you gotten home after a shopping trip only to be less than satisfied with your purchase decisions and started rationalizing them to yourself? Maybe you didn’t really want it after all, or in hindsight you thought it was too expensive. Or maybe it didn’t do what you hoped, and was actually useless to you. Regardless, we’re pretty good at convincing ourselves that those flashy, useless, badly thought-out purchases are necessary after all. This is known as post-purchase rationalization or Buyer’s Stockholm Syndrome. The reason we’re so good at this comes back to psychology of language: Social psychologists say it stems from the principle of commitment, our psychological desire to stay consistent and avoid a state of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we get when we’re trying to hold onto two competing ideas or theories. For instance, if we think of ourselves as being nice to strangers, but then we see someone fall over and don’t stop to help them, we would then have conflicting veiws about ourselves: we are nice to strangers, but we weren’t nice to the stranger who fell over. This creates so much discomfort that we have to change our thinking to match our actions—i.e. we start thinking of ourselves as someone who is not nice to strangers, since that’s what our actions proved. So in the case of our impulse shopping trip, we would need to rationalize the purchases until we truly believe we needed to buy those things, so that our thoughts about ourselves line up with our actions (making the purchases). The tricky thing in avoiding this mistake is that we generally act before we think (which can be one of the most important element that successful people have as traits!), leaving us to rationalize our actions afterwards. Being aware of this mistake can help us avoid it by predicting it before taking action—for instance, as we’re considering a purchase, we often know that we will have to rationalize it to ourselves later. If we can recognize this, perhaps we can avoid it. It’s not an easy one to tackle, though! 6. We make decisions based on the anchoring effect Dan Ariely is a behavioural economist who gave one of my favorite TED talks ever about the irrationality of the human brain when it comes to making decisions. He illustrates this particular mistake in our thinking superbly, with multiple examples. The anchoring effect essentially works like this: rather than making a decision based on pure value for investment (time, money, etc.), we factor in comparative value—that is, how much value an option offers when compared to another option. Let’s look at some examples from Dan, to illustrate this effect in practice: One example is an experiment that Dan conducted using two kinds of chocolates for sale in a booth: Hershey’s Kisses and Lindt Truffles. The Kisses were one penny each, while the Truffles were fifteen cents each. Considering the quality differences between the two kinds of chocolates and the normal prices of both items, the Truffles were a great deal, and the majority of visitors to the booth chose the Truffles. For the next stage of his experiment, Dan offered the same two choices, but lowered the prices by one cent each. So now the Kisses were free, and the Truffles cost fourteen cents each. Of course, the Truffles are even more of a bargain now, but since the Kisses were free, most people chose those instead. Your loss aversion system is always vigilant, waiting on standby to keep you from giving up more than you can afford to spare, so you calculate the balance between cost and reward whenever possible. – You Are Not So Smart Another example Dan offers in his TED talk is when consumers are given holiday options to choose between. When given a choice of a trip to Rome, all expenses paid, or a similar trip to Paris, the decision is quite hard. Each city comes with its own food, culture and travel experiences that the consumer must choose between. When a third option is added, however, such as the same Rome trip, but without coffee included in the morning, things change. When the consumer sees that they have to pay 2,50 euros for coffee in the third trip option, not only does the original Rome trip suddenly seem superior out of these two, it also seems superior to the Paris trip. Even though they probably hadn’t even considered whether coffee was included or not before the third option was added. Here’s an even better example from another of Dan’s experiments: Dan found this real ad for subscriptions to The Economist, and used it to see how a seemingly useless choice (like Rome without coffee) affects our decisions. mistakes in how we think - anchoring effect To begin with, there were three choices: subscribe to The Economist web version for $59, the print version for $125, or subscribe to both the print and web versions for $125. It’s pretty clear what the useless option is here. When Dan gave this form to 100 MIT students and asked them which option they would choose, 84% chose the combo deal for $125. 16% chose the cheaper, web-only option, and nobody chose the print-only option for $125. mistakes in how we think - anchoring effect 2 Next, Dan removed the ‘useless’ print-only option which nobody wanted and tried the experiment with another group of 100 MIT students. This time, the majority chose the cheaper, web-only version, and the minority chose the combo deal. So even though nobody wanted the bad-value $125 print-only option, it wasn’t actually useless—in fact, it actually informed the decisions people made between the two other options by making the combo deal seem more valuable in relation. This mistake is called the anchoring effect, because we tend to focus on a particular value and compare it to our other options, seeing the difference between values rather than the value of each option itself. Eliminating the ‘useless’ options ourselves as we make decisions can help us choose more wisely. On the other hand, Dan says that a big part of the problem comes from simply not knowing our own preferences very well, so perhaps that’s the area we should focus on more, instead. Whilst we know that our decision making skills as people are often poor, (more on this topic here), it’s fascinating how “free” can affect us. In fact “free” has been mentioned before as one of the most powerful ways that can affect our decision making. 7. We believe our memories more than facts Our memories are highly fallible and plastic. And yet, we tend to subconsciously favor them over objective facts. The availability heuristic is a good example of this. It works like this: Suppose you read a page of text and then you’re asked whether the page includes more words that end in “ing” or more words with “n” as the second-last letter. Obviously, it would be impossible for there to be more “ing” words than words with “n” as their penultimate letter (it took me a while to get that—read over the sentence again, carefully, if you’re not sure why that is). However, words ending in “ing” are easier to recall than words like hand, end, or and, which have “n” as their second-last letter, so we would naturally answer that there are more “ing” words. What’s happening here is that we are basing our answer of probability (i.e. whether it’s probable that there are more “ing” words on the page) on how available relevant examples are (i.e. how easily we can recall them). Our troubles in recalling words with “n” as the second last letter make us think those words don’t occur very often, and we subconsciously ignore the obvious facts in front of us. Although the availability heuristic is a natural process in how we think, two Chicago scholars have explained how wrong it can be: Yet reliable statistical evidence will outperform the availability heuristic every time. The lesson here? Whenever possible, look at the facts. Examine the data. Don’t base a factual decision on your gut instinct without at least exploring the data objectively first. If we look at the psychology of language in general, we’ll find even more evidence that looking at facts first is necessary. 8. We pay more attention to stereotypes than we think The funny thing about lots of these thinking mistakes especially related to memory is that they’re so ingrained, I had to think long and hard about why they’re mistakes at all! This one is a good example—it took me a while to understand how illogical this pattern of thinking is. It’s another one that explains how easily we ignore actual facts: The human mind is so wedded to stereotypes and so distracted by vivid descriptions that it will seize upon them, even when they defy logic, rather than upon truly relevant facts. Here’s an example to illustrate the mistake, from researchers Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky: In 1983 Kahneman and Tversky tested how illogical human thinking is by describing the following imaginary person: Linda is thirty-one years old, single, outspoken, and very bright. She majored in philosophy. As a student, she was deeply concerned with issues of discrimination and social justice, and also participated in antinuclear demonstrations. The researchers asked people to read this description, and then asked them to answer this question: Which alternative is more probable? Linda is a bank teller. Linda is a bank teller and is active in the feminist movement. Here’s where it can get a bit tricky to understand (at least, it did for me!)—If answer #2 is true, #1 is also true. This means that #2 cannot be the answer to the question of probability. Unfortunately, few of us realize this, because we’re so overcome by the more detailed description of #2. Plus, as the earlier quote pointed out, stereotypes are so deeply ingrained in our minds that subconsciously apply them to others. Roughly 85% of people chose option #2 as the answer. A simple choice of words can change everything. Again, we see here how irrational and illogical we can be, even when the facts are seemingly obvious. I love this quote from researcher Daniel Kahneman on the differences between economics and psychology: I was astonished. My economic colleagues worked in the building next door, but I had not appreciated the profound difference between our intellectual worlds. To a psychologist, it is self-evident that people are neither fully rational nor completely selfish, and that their tastes are anything but stable. Clearly, it’s normal for us to be irrational and to think illogically, especially when language acts as a limitation to how we think, even though we rarely realize we’re doing it. Still, being aware of the pitfalls we often fall into when making decisions can help us to at least recognize them, if not avoid them. Have you come across any other interesting mistakes we make in the way we think? Let us know in the comments.

Drama as Obasanjo quits PDP after 16 yrs

Drama as Obasanjo quits PDP after 16 yrs FEBRUARY 17, 2015 BY TUNDE ODESOLA, OLUSOLA FABIYI, SAMUEL AWOYINFA, KAMARUDEEN OGUNDELE, OLALEKAN ADETAYO AND GODWIN ISENYO 319 COMMENTS print L–R: Former President Olusegun Obasanjo watches as the Ward II, Abeokuta North chairman of the Peoples Democratic Party in Ogun State, Usman Oladunjoye, tears his (Obasanjo) PDP membership card in Abeokuta ... on Monday. With them are members of the party in the ward L–R: Former President Olusegun Obasanjo watches as the Ward II, Abeokuta North chairman of the Peoples Democratic Party in Ogun State, Usman Oladunjoye, tears his (Obasanjo) PDP membership card in Abeokuta ... on Monday. With them are members of the party in the ward Former President Olusegun Obasanjo on Monday finally dumped the ruling Peoples Democratic Party by asking that his membership card be torn. But almost two hours after he did that, the Ogun State PDP executive council, headed by Chief Adebayo Dayo, announced his expulsion from the party over what it termed his “series of unabated anti-party activities.” The former President was hosting the executive and members of the party from Ward 11, Abeokuta North at his Hilltop residence when he announced that he was dumping the PDP. The ward Chairman, Alhaji Usman Oladunjoye, who led the delegation, had told Obasanjo that they were on the visit to verify reports on a plot to suspend him from the PDP. After he had thanked them for their concern and narrated how the Goodluck Jonathan administration had almost run the country aground, he said, “They said they want to expel me from the PDP, although I have not been told that; I have my ears to the ground. “We have been trying to run away from a mad man but he pleads we wait for him at the other side of the river. “I have told you before that I became President on the platform of the PDP and once I leave the party, I will not join any other party. “I will only be a Nigerian, I am ready to work with anybody regardless of political affiliation. Why would some people say they want to send me away. “They don’t need to bother themselves, here’s your membership card, take it (at this point, he gave the card to Oladunjoye to tear). As Oladunjoye stood up and tore the card, with Obasanjo watching him closely, the visitors rose from their seats, raised their hands and danced in support of his action. After the pieces of the card were handed to some of the visitors, Obasanjo said, “From today on, in the presence of all of us and with your support, I am not going to be in any political party in Nigeria. “I am no more a politician but a statesman, both internally and externally. “You asked me two questions and I will answer them comprehensively. But before I answer them let me say this. This Nigeria belongs to all of us and it must not be destroyed. “This is my PDP membership card, where I’m standing is that Nigeria belongs to everybody, including babies. We must not allow anybody to destroy it. “Wherever they come from, whatever they have and if they destroy it, it becomes a burden to us, our children and the incoming generation. “The question asked is which party am I? I belong to the group that believes that Nigeria must not be destroyed. Those of you that are traders, will observe that there’s inflation in the country . The Bureau de Change operators used to change a $1 for N150 but it is going to be N250 to a dollar. “What it means is that, what you’ve been buying for N150 will sell for N250. This is not the kind of country we dream of. There’s no job; no money. “It is unfortunate that those destroying the country are oblivious of the fact that the PDP exists because Nigeria still exists. “I will never be in a party that will destroy Nigeria. Without Nigeria, there will be no PDP. What should be of concern to us is how to make Nigeria stronger by making our economy grow .” Obasanjo,who joined the PDP in 1998, also debunked the allegation that he wanted to head an Interim National Government. He said, “How can anybody in his right senses talk of ING in a democratic setting? Some of them are working for it. God will not allow it.’’ But almost two hours after he quit the PDP, the Dayo-led executive of the party, said the former President’s ward had in a letter dated February 12, accused him of anti-party activities and uncomplimentary utterances against President Goodluck Jonathan. Dayo said, “Following the series of unabated anti-party activities unbecoming of a highly celebrated party man engaged in by Chief Obasanjo, totality of the executive, leaders and members of the PDP family in Ogun State hereby state categorically as from today, Monday, February 16, 2015, that Olusegun Obasanjo stands expelled and ex-communicated from the party, thereby losing all rights, previous privileges and respect of our teeming members.” He added that whatever Obasanjo “does or says henceforth must no longer be seen from the prism of a PDP leader.” Obasanjo tear1The PDP chief recalled that the former President was “intolerable of any form of criticisms while in office,” and wondered why he should be at loggerheads with Jonathan and the PDP. Last year, Obasanjo withdrew from all PDP activities on the grounds that he could no longer be in the same party and be led in the South-West by someone he referred to as a drug baron. The PDP National Chairman, Adamu Mu’azu, avoided comment on Obasanjo’s exit from the party but the Board of Trustees, the South-West chapter and Ekiti State Governor Ayodele Fayose described it as a welcome development. The BoT Chairman, Tony Anenih, told State House correspondents after attending a meeting of PDP chiefs with Jonathan at the Presidential Villa, Abuja that the party stood to lose nothing from Obasanjo’s exit. Anenih, who took over from Obasanjo as the BOT chairman, was initially reluctant to react to the development which obviously rattled the party chiefs. The following conversation ensued between him and the State House correspondents. As the chairman of the PDP BoT, how will you react to former President Obasanjo’s action which indicated that he had formally left your party? He (Obasanjo) has the right to leave any party and he has the right to join any party. He is a Nigerian. Will you miss him? Why should we miss him? Is Obasanjo’s exit not a big loss to the PDP? To us leaders, it is not a loss. He did not answer further questions as he made his way to his waiting car. When the State House correspondents turned to Mu’azu, he pretended not to hear them. The National Security Adviser, Sambo Dasuki, had to tell him that reporters were talking to him. At this point, Mu’azu turned to the reporters, took a bow and walked briskly into the new Banqueting Hall of the Presidential Villa where Jonathan presided over another round of meetings with the party chiefs. But the PDP spokesman, Olisa Metuh, later issued a statement in which the party described Obasanjo’s action as ‘‘unfortunate.’’ It said that it was difficult to know what made Obasanjo ask that his membership card be torn. The statement read, “We have also carefully examined the circumstances and the reasons adduced for this unfortunate decision. “While we concede to the inalienable rights of every citizen to hold opinion and to decide who to associate with, we are however deeply saddened that Obasanjo, a revered leader of our party, our first presidential candidate whom the PDP offered the platform to rule our nation for eight years, could decide to abandon this party at this critical point in time. “This is especially as Obasanjo, who was also the chairman of the highest advisory organ of the PDP, the BoT, discountenanced all pleas by elders and leaders of our great party with regard to his reservations on certain issues within our fold. “Many Nigerians are still bewildered as to what manner of provocation could have led a former President to lose his composure and go to the extent of tearing the membership card of the party that he once led. “Indeed, the PDP is hugely at loss as to how the decision and action of the former President who had enjoyed the benefits of being elected to the highest position of leadership will assist in deepening our democracy and stabilising the polity. “It is our considered opinion that no matter the provocation, a statesmanly disposition from a person of Obasanjo’s status could have encouraged our citizens and help in stabilising system. “We believe however, that what this country needs now is patriotic actions that engender national unity, tolerance and peaceful coexistence of our people irrespective of political, ethnic and religious persuasions. The overall interest of our nation and well being of our citizens must remain paramount and above all personal and group interests.” The Director of Media and Publicity of the Goodluck Jonathan Campaign Organisation, Femi Fani-Kayode, also described Obasanjo’s exit as tragic. “We shall miss baba,” he said, promising to send a formal response on the issue through his press secretary. But the response had yet to be sent as of 8pm on Monday. obasanjo tornThe South-West Chairman of the PDP, Makanjuola Ogundipe, described Obasanjo’s action as “childish, self-serving and cruel. He said, “Instead of turning himself to a masquerader, dancing naked in the market- place, Obasanjo should be honest enough to disclose those selfish demands that he made from President Jonathan, which were declined.” Like Anenih, Ogundipe said in a statement that the party would not miss the former President, who according to him, had ceased from being a member of the PDP since last year. The statement read in part, “He only formalised his exit from our party today(Monday) and we in the PDP are relieved now that we no longer have a mole among us. “In the first instance, he has never contributed a dime to the PDP, a party that made him president. Rather, he has promoted strife and rebellion among members for his own selfish interests. “It was his selfishness that caused us the governorship election in Ogun State in 2011 and it was his high-handedness that led to the exit of key members of the party. We are therefore happy that he has finally bid us farewell and we will not miss him.’’ Governor Fayose, who also described Obasanjo’s exit from the PDP as a good omen, said the former President ought to have been shown a red card long ago. He said, “Obasanjo’s exit is a good riddance to bad rubbish. His departure is inglorious; we will never miss him. “Now the PDP can sleep with two eyes closed because the lion among our brethren and the tormentor of Nigeria just left our party to join the All Progressives Congress.” Fayose, who reacted through his Chief Press Secretary, Idowu Adelusi, added, “The former President was a man without honour who had been the major problem of the PDP.” He said, “Obasanjo shouldn’t just tear his PDP membership card; he should relinquish the ownership of Bell University, Obasanjo Farms, Obasanjo Presidential Library, and other financial benefits he got during his eight years as President.’’ Kashamu, who is the chairman, Mobilisation and Organisation Committee of the PDP in the South-West, said Obasanjo had no electoral value and was therefore free to exit the PDP. He said, ‘‘Obasanjo only took a pre-emptive step. It was reported in the newspapers today (Monday) that the state executive of the party would initiate appropriate disciplinary action against him for anti-party activities. “This is in the hopes that the National Executive Council of the party will take it up from there.” Two members of the PDP BoT – Shauib Oyedokun and Walid Jibrin – said the former President merely exhibited anger by tearing his membership card. Oyedokun, in a text message to one of our correspondents, asked God to save the country and give her leaders that would lead by example. He said, “Tearing of party card connotes anger at its peak. May Allah save Nigeria and give us leadership by example, leaders whose actions will be worthy of emulation.” Jibrin, who is the Secretary of the BoT, said the former President should have behaved responsibly if he wanted to leave the party. He said, “He (Obasanjo) should have behaved responsibly. If he wants to leave the PDP, is it wrong for him to do so? If he is to do that, will he come out in the public? “He has access to the President; he has all the podium to do so; he has all the privileges to go and discuss with the President; do others behave that way? “Should Obasanjo, a former Head of State, behave that way? Even if you want to take a decision like that, will you do it that way? As a responsible person, will you do it that way? “There is a process of coming out of the PDP. You go to your ward and submit your card; give some explanations on why you are doing so.” Obasanjo’ s action, a plus for APC –El-Rufai The All Progressives Congress Governorship candidate for Kaduna State, Nasir el-Rufai, said Obasanjo’s action would boost the fortune of the APC in the March 28 and April 11 elections. El-Rufai, a former Minister of the Federal Capital Territory, said through his campaign organisation, that for the ex-President to dump the PDP should be a source of concern to Nigerians. He said, “Obasanjo is a highly respected figure in the country and if somebody of his calibre should throw out the party that he rode on to power for eight years, then, it should be a source of concern to all Nigerians. “He will be highly welcome to the party. If the party can receive him, its a plus for the APC.” Copyright PUNCH.

OBJ, a shame to the military —DHQ

OBJ, a shame to the military —DHQ FEBRUARY 17, 2015 BY FIDELIS SORIWEI 530 COMMENTS print Former President Olusegun Obasanjo Former President Olusegun Obasanjo The Defence Headquarters has described former President Olusegun Obasanjo as an embarrassment to the military institution. The Defence Headquarters made the comment in a statement posted on its Facebook page while reacting to a statement credited to the former President that the General Elections were postponed to enable the President to use the Service Chiefs for tenure extension in an electronic mail on Monday. The Defence authorities accused the former President of politicising serious national security and military issues. It was said that while Obasanjo’s intentions remained unclear, his motives for making such utterances were less than noble. The statement stressed that Obasanjo’s claims were false. It was also said that it was rather surprising that Obasanjo opted to ignore the assurances by the Defence authorities in a statement that the military would continue to be apolitical. The military said that while it had the desire to accord some respect to Obasanjo and his views, the statement credited to him did not reflect the standard of discipline expected from a former General of his status. The Defence authorities said that the world had moved beyond the mentality of Obasanjo, insisting that the military personnel of today were better equipped in the area of training, education and exposure to have a better appreciation of democracy and its importance to national prosperity. “The Defence Headquarters has noted the remarks of a former President, Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, as reported in the media stating his views on perceived state of the armed forces and the roles being allegedly played by the military in the nation’s political process in recent times… “It is however noteworthy that most of his utterances lately indicate an attitude of playing to the gallery or indulging in politicisation of serious national security or military affairs. For instance, the comments credited to Chief Obasanjo alleging that the postponement of the General Elections was to enable President Jonathan to use the Service Chiefs to plot a tenure extension is to say the least, very surprising. “It is surprising indeed, considering the fact that the retired General chose to ignore the clarification and emphatic assurances of non-partisanship of the military as declared in a DHQ statement on the position of the Armed Forces in the ongoing political activities. His motive as usual remains unknown but it is certainly less than noble or well intentioned. We dare say again that Chief Obasanjo’s assertions are false. “Much as the military desires to respect the old General and his views, it has become necessary to point out that his conduct and unguarded utterances of late have fallen short of the standard of discipline expected of an individual who has had the privilege of service in the military and risen to the status of a General. “The behaviour of retired General (Chief) Obasanjo has been so unbecoming and continues to constitute a serious embarrassment to the military before all who have reasonably and rightly adjudged the essence of military background in terms of the high value and standard it tends to contribute to statesmanship. “We feel constrained to remind the old General that the world has moved beyond that parochial and self-adulating reasoning and mindset which he seems stuck to. Indeed, he needs to be told that by virtue of their better training, exposure, education, assessment and environment, the military personnel of today are already far beyond his level in their appreciation of democracy and its indispensability for the stable and prosperous society which Nigerians cherish,” the statement read in part. It was further said that the military institution bequeathed to the country had developed beyond where he left it and was more committed to the maintenance of the ethos of service of the military, valour, subordination to civil authorities and adherence to non-partisan discharge of their responsibilities. The DHQ stressed that the military was not inept and could not have been misused in the manner presented by the former President. The statement added that the military had such a strong belief in democracy and its structures and institutions that it would not do anything to undermine it. It challenged Obasanjo to indicate genuine interest in the growth and sustenance of the nation’s democracy. The statement urged Obasanjo to improve his understanding of complex issues involving the military and to encourage the services rather than imputing ulterior motives to security efforts. “The Defence Headquarters will like to encourage Chief Obasanjo to be genuinely interested in the growth and sustenance of Nigeria’s democratic credentials. He is also enjoined to endeavour to improve in his understanding of intricate issues and try to encourage the military rather than continue with this tendency to indulge in imputation of ulterior motives to every effort, all for the purpose of discrediting well-thought-out policies or decisions related to the military’s roles in the polity. “The support of all well-meaning elderly Nigerians remains vital in the onerous duty of working for the stability, defence and peace of our country under duly constituted authorities in a democratic environment,” the statement added.

Jonathan postponed elections to frustrate Buhari – NY Times

Jonathan postponed elections to frustrate Buhari – NY Times FEBRUARY 17, 2015 BY ENIOLA AKINKUOTU 580 COMMENTS print Former Head of State, Gen. Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) Former Head of State, Gen. Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) The United States-based New York Times says the postponement of the elections by the Independent National Electoral Commission was orchestrated by President Goodluck Jonathan to frustrate Maj. Gen Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) of the All Progressives Congress. The newspaper, which has won 114 Pulitzer Prizes, further stated that Jonathan appeared to be afraid of the increasing popularity of Buhari, who most Nigerians would likely vote for. It said this in the editorial of its Monday edition titled, “Nigeria’s Miserable Choices”. The publication said, “Any argument to delay the vote might be more credible if President Goodluck Jonathan’s government had not spent much of the past year playing down the threat posed by the militants and if there were a reasonable expectation that the country’s weak military has the ability to improve security in a matter of weeks. “It appears more likely that Mr. Jonathan grew alarmed by the surging appeal of Muhammadu Buhari, a former military ruler who has vowed to crack down on Boko Haram. By dragging out the race, Jonathan stands to deplete his rival’s campaign coffers while he continues to use state funds and institutions to bankroll his own.” It said INEC’s excuse that elections were postponed because security forces wanted to fight insecurity would have been taken in good faith if Jonathan had been tackling insecurity effectively since he took office. The 164-year-old newspaper said that Jonathan had become so unpopular that Nigerians were not afraid of the idea of a former military dictator returning as President. It however said that Jonathan had become worried about the rising insecurity and was willing to accept help from western powers. The newspaper warned that election postponement might increase the level of insecurity rather than reduce it and that Nigeria’s democracy would not survive an electoral crisis. It said, “Beyond security matters, entrenched corruption and the government’s inability to diversify its economy as the price of oil, the country’s financial bedrock, has fallen and has also caused Nigerians to look for new leadership. “Nigeria, the most populous African nation, and a relatively young democracy, cannot afford an electoral crisis. That would only set back the faltering efforts to reassert government control in districts where Boko Haram is sowing terror. “The security forces may not be able to safeguard many districts on Election Day. But postponement is very likely to make the security threat worse.”

I’ll flee Nigeria if APC wins —Bode George

I’ll flee Nigeria if APC wins —Bode George FEBRUARY 17, 2015 BY ENIOLA AKINKUOTU 508 COMMENTS print Chief Bode George Chief Bode George In this interview with ENIOLA AKINKUOTU, a national leader of the Peoples Democratic Party, Chief Bode George, speaks on the recent comments of former President Olusegun Obasanjo and other national issues Former President Olusegun Obasanjo says President Goodluck Jonathan plans to perpetuate himself in government like the former President of Cote d’Ivoire, Laurent Gbagbo. What do you think of this comment? He (Obasanjo) says he is a Christian and as a Christian, it is emphasised in the New Testament of the Bible where Christ said judge not so that you will not be judged. But his judgment is no longer about the policies of Jonathan. He has gone down to the extent of saying Maj. Gen. Muhammadu Buhari (retd.) will jail you (Jonathan), that is why you are afraid. I am holding my breath because in an African setting, you talk to elders with respect and that is why I am trying to get the right words to describe my feelings. Baba (Obasanjo) is not a young man. He was Head of State at 39. So averagely, he should be about 84 or 85 and I am requesting that he should graciously fade away into the midnight. In the Bible, Romans chapter 13 states clearly that we should pray for those in authority. It says pray for your leaders so that they don’t run aground. So, to me that is my own interpretation. If baba (Obasanjo) had attended the Council of State meeting in Abuja, where they were very well briefed, and that it was decided that only the Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission, Prof. Attahiru Jega, that could pronounce a postponement and that he should go and come up with a decision and Jega addressed a press conference. Now to start comparing our President with Gbagbo in Cote d’Ivoire is unjust, unsavoury and unfair because what is the population of Ivory Coast? What are the tribal sentiments of Ivory Coast? Are they the same here? I want to plead with Baba. God has been kind to him and he has served his own time. I don’t want to conclude that his life will be like King Saul in the Bible. I pray it will not be so. Baba has played his role. No generation can finish any job. Nation building is a continuous exercise. You come, do your own and go back into history. Apart from the issue of insecurity which Jega gave as the reason for the postponement of the elections, do you think INEC was ready to conduct the elections on February 14 and 28? I granted an interview recently and there were two posers that I gave to Jega. Thank God Jega is a professor. He told us that there was an 88 per cent collection rate in Borno State where there is massive insurgency as well as in Yobe and Adamawa states. Here, where there is calmness and civility, only 30 something per cent of the populace had collected PVCs. It is just improving. I think as of last Friday over three million had collected as against 5.6 million. And he is saying we are ready. Without the Permanent Voter Cards, you are immediately disenfranchised. Ask Jega that as a professor, will it be fair to conduct an examination whereby you have (students who have) covered 80 per cent syllabus and another class where you have (students who have) covered only 30 per cent syllabus. Is it fair? The other question is this issue of card readers. Have they been tested? I am talking as an electronic engineer of 48 years in practice. You just bought equipment from China and the last time it was tested was in China. Our own environment is not the same. Look at the vagaries of the temperature here from the swampy areas of the South and the savannah in the North. Who has tested the equipment? Now, I am not saying they will not all work but if there are almost 9,000 polling units in Lagos, is he saying all the 9,000 card readers will be functional? If the card readers fail to work in some polling units, what shall we do? Why did the military surround former Governor Bola Tinubu’s house? If Bola Tinubu finds his way into national government, I will go on exile. He hasn’t the temerity and the calmness of mind. They don’t even know what to do in power. Because the vice-president is his boy, he will just order that Bode George should be picked up. He said soldiers came to him but he must have been dreaming. When he said soldiers had surrounded his house, I drove down there because my house is not too far from there. I know the hierarchy of the military and its behaviour. That they surrounded his house is lie number one because on either side of his house are two buildings. There is also one at the back. So, I wondered where the soldiers were hiding. Why would you lie for public consumption? So when I got down there, I knew that his spin doctors were working. These days people go on the social media and the story went viral. Why would he (President Godluck Jonathan) from Abuja, be running after Bola? Let them be very careful about the statements they are making. More so, if Obasanjo is now linking Jonathan with what happened in Cote d’Ivoire and coup; not in this 21st Century. That is past and gone forever. No nation goes through this kind of tribulation twice and survive. We have had our own experience of Civil War and I pray that God does not direct our minds in that direction and our people have to watch their mouths. The general perception in Lagos is that the governorship race is between yourself and Tinubu. Absolutely not! In the PDP, no individual owns the party. I happen to have been the first national vice chairman, South-West PDP, and then became deputy national chairman South and then deputy national chairman for the whole country and having done that, they have honoured me that as long as I remain in the party, I remain a member of the Board of Trustees and I am the only one representing the South-West in the national caucus forever. That is a great honour in our party but I don’t decide who becomes a candidate. Primaries were conducted and in this particular case, the voice of the people became louder than anybody’s. I am not like Bola Tinubu, I don’t have the papers of the party in my pocket. I don’t even have a veto power. But the other side doesn’t practice democracy. We have friends that are members there. Jimi Agbaje has no godfather but will not behave like an authoritarian governor. But Senator Musiliu Obanikoro said you were the one that imposed Agbaje. That is absolute garbage, he knew he was lying. You know he came from their party and that is why he was saying it was me. He has now retracted the statement. We are now one indivisible party and we are ready for election. All the vagaries and all that happened during the primary was a test of the ability and the strength of our party and we listened to the voice of the people. The voice of the people is the voice of God. Jonathan’s perception in the South-West is not as favourable as it was in 2011. There has been blame on you and other PDP Yoruba leaders for allowing Buhari to increase in popularity in the South-West. If you had said this about two or three weeks ago, I would have agreed. I got these feelers straight to my face. People came to me and said they would vote for Agbaje but they will not vote for Jonathan because he had done nothing for us here. And I explained that there is a general misunderstanding of the concept of operation in this country. The long periods of military rule presupposed that the Head of State was responsible for everything and it is that same thinking that is responsible for this situation. We are all hands on deck explaining the differences between military governance and democratic governance. Highly educated people, my age groups, were asking me this question but I explained to them that 60 per cent of the impact the President will have on you is through the federal allocation to your state. Does he give every state and every local government allocation? Yes. They collect it religiously every 30 days. In the area of security, he guarantees it. It is only three states in the North-East battling insecurity. There is peace and he guarantees that. What of infrastructure? All federal roads in Lagos from Alfred Rewane in Ikoyi all the way to Third Mainland Bridge and Ebute Meta are federal roads. Are they like the roads in Somolu and Akowonjo? Secondly, the APC refused to participate in the National Conference. Since he (Buhari) has refused to debate, what will he do about the resolution unanimously reached by the National Conference? What will happen to the report? The decisions of the National Conference are so germane to the future of this country. The more reasons why the man who conceptualised it should be allowed to implement his decisions.

THE SECRET BEHIND APC

M posting this cos I just realized that a huge percentage of APC leaders are muslims,I never gave ears to this clams before but we Nigerians should wake up. ‪#‎serious‬ decide which religion you want to be under the Nigerian constitution, then the same constitution now has sharia inside the constitution and sharia says if you dare change your religion from Islam to other religion, You will die, Sharia says, if you practice any other religion apart from Islam, you must die, both of them are inside the constitution, so you have to captain inside the same boat, that is what is wrong with Nigeria. It is clear in the Nigeria of today that if you touch Sharia, get ready for a bloodbath, They are ready to kill to retain sharia, For it is only when we stand on section 38 that we can now build a society that is founded upon liberty, Justice, equity and fairness, That is why the crisis in the north is endless, Boko Haram killing daily to take over Nigeria. Why is Boko Haram Killing? They want sharia, why do they want sharia? That is what is in the constitution. Corruption is the symptoms of the real problem, the real disease is the dual ideology and only the Church can pray it out, but right now the church is praying other prayers. In 1983, OIC held a strategy meeting in London, in that meeting, they strategized how to turn the whole of Africa into an Islamic continent, They produced a 322 page document after that strategy section 156 pages focused on Nigeria, they identified seven key nation that must be captured before they can turn Africa into an Islamic continent, The Seven Nation are Nigeria, Kenya, Liberia, Malawi, Cote D'Ivoire, South Africa and Democratic republic of Congo, OIC says these seven Nations must primarily be Islamised and of these seven Nation Nigeria is number one After they did that OIC now zoned Nigeria, (Now this is interesting) our current geo political zones structure, South -South, South- east, North- east, North -west, North Central was not design by any Nigerian government. There is no Nigerian Law backing it, it was not passed by any constituent assembly or by any constitutional sitting or by any national referendum. It was designed by OIC in 1983. OIC broke Nigeria into six zones not to unite us as a people, not to develop us as a nation but to break us into little groups for the purpose of Islamization, They have taken the north west, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, They have taken the north east, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, they are battling furiously for the north central, while the train at the same time has transform into a political machinery and has moved into the south west The next battle ground for 2015 is the south-west, the south west is the key that is where the intellectuals are, that is where the press are, that is where the manufacturing industries are, That is where the banking industries are, whatever you get in the south west, You can take it anywhere in Nigeria, It will sell Now there has been a handshake under the guise of a political party, Nigerians should wake up, This is more than Politics, it is an Islamic Agenda When they finished, they handed their strategy to Sheu Musa Yaradua, He presented it at the 1988 constituent assembly that was how it entered the Nigerian consciousness. Until Abacha became the head of states, When he wanted to transmute from military head of state to a civilian, he called Dr Alex Ekweme to restructure Nigeria for him, Alex Ekweme gave him these six geo Political zones structure, the real independent of Nigeria started on April 28th, 1996 that was why Abacha said he wanted six vice Presidents one for each geo Political zones. Nigerian real independent was on 28th of April 1996, The day Sani Abacha was used by God to deposed Dasuki, the Sultan of Sokoto, sacked him and appointed Machido M posting this cos I just realized that a huge percentage of APC leaders are muslims,I never gave ears to this clams before but we Nigerians should wake up. #serious decide which religion you want to be under the Nigerian constitution, then the same constitution now has sharia inside the constitution and sharia says if you dare change your religion from Islam to other religion, You will die, Sharia says, if you practice any other religion apart from Islam, you must die, both of them are inside the constitution, so you have to captain inside the same boat, that is what is wrong with Nigeria. It is clear in the Nigeria of today that if you touch Sharia, get ready for a bloodbath, They are ready to kill to retain sharia, For it is only when we stand on section 38 that we can now build a society that is founded upon liberty, Justice, equity and fairness, That is why the crisis in the north is endless, Boko Haram killing daily to take over Nigeria. Why is Boko Haram Killing? They want sharia, why do they want sharia? That is what is in the constitution. Corruption is the symptoms of the real problem, the real disease is the dual ideology and only the Church can pray it out, but right now the church is praying other prayers. In 1983, OIC held a strategy meeting in London, in that meeting, they strategized how to turn the whole of Africa into an Islamic continent, They produced a 322 page document after that strategy section 156 pages focused on Nigeria, they identified seven key nation that must be captured before they can turn Africa into an Islamic continent, The Seven Nation are Nigeria, Kenya, Liberia, Malawi, Cote D'Ivoire, South Africa and Democratic republic of Congo, OIC says these seven Nations must primarily be Islamised and of these seven Nation Nigeria is number one After they did that OIC now zoned Nigeria, (Now this is interesting) our current geo political zones structure, South -South, South- east, North- east, North -west, North Central was not design by any Nigerian government. There is no Nigerian Law backing it, it was not passed by any constituent assembly or by any constitutional sitting or by any national referendum. It was designed by OIC in 1983. OIC broke Nigeria into six zones not to unite us as a people, not to develop us as a nation but to break us into little groups for the purpose of Islamization, They have taken the north west, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, They have taken the north east, they have placed the stamp of Islam on it, Sharia, they are battling furiously for the north central, while the train at the same time has transform into a political machinery and has moved into the south west The next battle ground for 2015 is the south-west, the south west is the key that is where the intellectuals are, that is where the press are, that is where the manufacturing industries are, That is where the banking industries are, whatever you get in the south west, You can take it anywhere in Nigeria, It will sell Now there has been a handshake under the guise of a political party, Nigerians should wake up, This is more than Politics, it is an Islamic Agenda When they finished, they handed their strategy to Sheu Musa Yaradua, He presented it at the 1988 constituent assembly that was how it entered the Nigerian consciousness. Until Abacha became the head of states, When he wanted to transmute from military head of state to a civilian, he called Dr Alex Ekweme to restructure Nigeria for him, Alex Ekweme gave him these six geo Political zones structure, the real independent of Nigeria started on April 28th, 1996 that was why Abacha said he wanted six vice Presidents one for each geo Political zones. Nigerian real independent was on 28th of April 1996, The day Sani Abacha was used by God to deposed Dasuki, the Sultan of Sokoto, sacked him and appointed Machido Like · · Share

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

successful marriage


Successful Marriage by America's Love and Marriage Experts Did you ever wonder why some people find the perfect person to marry, do so, and enjoy a love affair that lasts a lifetime? On the other hand, some marry a person that is wrong for them now, wrong for them tomorrow, and wrong for them for a lifetime? What’s the difference? Why do some succeed at love and marriage where others fail? One of our mentors, Don Clifton, the former CEO of the world renowned Gallup Organization (rest his soul), often reminded us of the power of “pervasive personality characteristics.” Don defined “pervasive” as “a recurring pattern of thought and behavior.” In other words, these are the personality characteristics that a human being develops within the first two decades of life that, for the most part, defines who they are for a lifetime. Don believed that you are what you are by the time you become an adult. Changing who and what you are becomes nearly impossible after that. So what is the lesson in all this? Simple really. The people you meet in life are, by the time they reach adulthood, pretty much what they are. They won’t change much, if at all. The hard truth is, they can’t change who they really are, even if they wanted to. Oh, sure, people as adults can make you believe from time to time that they are something different than what they really are, but in the end, they are, well, they are what they are. Make no mistake about that. When it comes to love and marriage, there is a truism that trumps all truisms. It goes like this – pay close and careful attention to the words, deeds, and actions of the person you think you are falling in love with. And in the end, pay most of your attention to their actions, first and foremost! The truth is a person’s actions speak so much louder than their words. Never lose sight of this truism for to do so is put your heart, your health, and your happiness at peril. As love and marriage experts, one of the questions we are most often asked throughout the world is this: “What are the secrets of a successful marriage?” Our immediate answer is always the same – marry the right person! On the surface this may seem like a flippant answer to such a serious question, but it isn’t really. If people who think they are falling in love with someone would pay more attention to their actions and not the words, they wouldn’t miss the telltale signs. Here’s how it works. You think you love a guy. He tells you all of the right things. But over time you begin to notice that his actions belie his words. He tells you he respects you but dismisses your opinions. He waxes on about how he puts you on a pedestal but never opens the door for you when he gets to it first. He tells you how he wants the relationship between the two of you a shared relationship, and then he makes all the decisions. You get the idea. We could go on. The point is this – if you fail to notice and question the actions of the one you purport to love in the early stages of your relationship then you are deluding yourself into thinking he/she will change later on. They rarely do. And so often, those that ignore the signs and the warnings end up getting married, only to discover later on that the person they married is not who they thought he/she was. So, back to the earlier question – the best secret to a successful marriage is marrying the right person in the first place! Taking the time to carefully observe the actions of another person over a period of time tells you a lot more about them than their words ever could. All too often we hear one or both people in a marriage lament to us that if they had only paid attention to the telltale signs, they would not have married the person they married. Many of these relationships end in divorce. We don’t mean to suggest that it is always easy to tell if the one you think you love is one you can have a successful marriage with. We do, however, believe strongly that paying close and careful attention to the one you are thinking about marrying in the early stages of your relationship can save a lot of failed marriages from happening in the first place. This is the ultimate key to a successful marriage. If you consciously and rationally believe that the words, deeds, and actions of the one you are thinking of marrying all jive and are consistent, then your marriage has half a chance at being successful. In the end, a marriage built on this foundation has a reasonable chance of success. And while we often say that a successful marriage is an accumulation of the simple things, and that a good marriage is simple to understand, we always remind people that you have to do the simple things each and every day of your lives together to make it work.  Making marriage a success requires hard work. If you base your marriage on a lie – you ignored the actions you were observing in the person you were falling in love with – then all of the simple things required to make a marriage work will more than likely not be enough to carry the day. Pervasive characteristics in people are very real. They define who they are and they almost never change. As we always say, keep your eyes wide open when you are falling in love. You won’t regret it later. One final note – never enter a marriage thinking you can ignore the behaviors now and change them later. Too many have fallen prey to this notion. It rarely ever works.

what can save your marriage


Sign-up to receive our newsletter    DONATE MarriageParentingBlended FamiliesFaithBlogRadioEventsShopFind HelpSearchSUBSCRIBE Dipping Our Toes Dipping Our Toes*** Dipping Our Toes*** 00:00 00:00 Homepage / Articles / Marriage / Communication 5 Communication Tools That Saved My Marriage Early in our marriage, these simple principles change our hearts and transformed our relationship. By Rob Flood   Share on emailShare on print We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage. One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" She would hear, "I can't believe you haven't prepared dinner again tonight!" She would say, "What time are you coming home?" I would hear, "You better get here and help me because you're never here." We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming. In counseling we began learning about intentional communication. I remember thinking, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. This stuff is so simple … I can't believe I'm paying this guy for this." But, once I got off of my high horse, I realized something very simple yet profound: If communication was really that simple, everyone would be doing it and all of our communication would glorify God and reflect His image (1 Peter 4:11; Ephesians 4:29). Glorifying God did not describe my communication, and it may not describe yours either. In fact, many of us struggle to communicate well even with those we love the most: our siblings, our parents, our children, our spouse. The road I took to learn about communication was a tough one. Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart. 1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds. You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26). The implications of following Jesus' example were huge. My wife's sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it. 2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her. A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension. You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it's a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it's your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations. During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina's legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.) As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. We found what I'm certain you'll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep touching or to stop touching so we could keep fighting. This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track. 3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen. The book of Proverbs tells us, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!" (15:23). Typically, the first opportunity Gina and I have to talk about the day is at dinner. We often take time then to catch up. With four young children, our dinner table is an active and busy one. Consequently, we cannot practically have an extended and meaningful conversation. So, if something has occurred that I must discuss with Gina, I will wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner is to invite frustration and ineffectiveness. Let's look at a couple of scenarios where we're more likely to fail. Gina is a very intentional homemaker and often has wonderful ideas on how to better serve our family. Let's say she is contemplating a new approach to family dining. She's been thinking through this for weeks and she's now ready to get my input. This is a very good thing—but probably not at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon when I'm watching a football game. I'm also prone to fall into the poor timing trap. For example, Gina and I could be downstairs enjoying normal conversation. We head upstairs at 11:30 p.m. and Gina is ready for bed. As the lights go out, I ask, "What do you think God is doing with the children?" This is a question Gina would love for me to ask … about three hours earlier. When 11:30 comes, she's ready for bed—not an extensive discussion. There are times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game goes off and we talk. Or, the lights go back on and we're up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather than the rule. The majority of the time, we should be more strategic in the timing of our conversations. 4. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation. The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge." Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you're not sure if your spouse is getting what you're talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: "What do you mean by that?" Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying … ?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said. As we learned this principle, I often didn't like Gina's negative or inaccurate summaries of my statements. So, I defended them and failed to allow her the freedom to speak honestly. In time, I learned that her summaries actually were quite accurate; my reactions were negative because I didn't like how they exposed me. The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring. 5. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide. This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We've become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by. No matter what principle you might be using at the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond prayer. I have tended to overestimate my own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evidenced in our first year of marriage. We will eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God's intended purpose for it, we have a choice: Will we be puffed up with pride or will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem our conversation? I wish someone would have shared with me what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer: The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory. One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing. We learned an easy fix to this … start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you'll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable. The transformation never ends As a result of God's grace intersecting with these principles, communication is now among the greatest strengths of our marriage. It's not that we don't still mess up—we do. Thankfully, God continues to work on me. He'll continue to work on you, too. At one time, I was convinced that I married the wrong woman. She was convinced she married the wrong man. Now, we cannot imagine knowing, loving, or enjoying anyone more than we do each other. Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we're willing to apply some intentional principles. We've all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.   Next Steps: FamilyLife Wants to Help You Build Your Marriage. Here are three steps you can take to improve your relationship: Read our most popular articles on marriageListen to Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife, talk about "Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage" on a FamilyLife Today radio series.Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. FamilyLife offers dozens of fun, romantic getaways across the country. Learn how to build intimacy, improve communication, and take your marriage to the next level! Share on emailShare on print Comments You Might Also Find These HelpfulCommunicationAre You Married to Your Cell Phone?CommunicationReclaiming Date NightCommunicationThe Number One Problem in Marriage Recommended ResourceThe Language of Love and RespectBy Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Find more resources MARRIAGEBusyness and stressChoosing a spouseCommitmentCommunicationDeath of a spouseDrifting apartEmpty nest and midlifeEngagements and weddingsFinancesForgivenessGrowing spirituallyHardship and sufferingHusbandsInfidelityMarriage counselingMilitary marriageNewlywedsRealities of divorceRecovering from divorceResolving conflictRomance and SexSaving a marriageSpiritually mismatchedUnderstanding differencesWivesView all marriage topicsPARENTINGAdoption and orphansAdult childrenAnger and rebellionAttitude problemsCharacter developmentDiscipline and spankingFathersFrazzled familyGodly legacyLoss of a childMaking memoriesModesty and appearanceMothersPraying for your childrenRaising boysRaising girlsReleasing your childSexual puritySingle parentingSpecial needs childSpiritual developmentTeensTweensYoung ChildrenView all parenting topicsBLENDED FAMILYDating and marriageMultiple home realitiesRelationship with stepchildrenRemarrying your ex-spouseStaying marriedStepfamily livingStepparenting skillsWorking as a teamMinistering to stepfamiliesView all blended family topicsFAITHBecoming a ChristianChurch involvementGrowing in your faithReaching outRepentanceSpiritual disciplinesView all faith topicsLIFE ISSUESAddictionChildren of divorceCultural issuesDeath and dyingDepressionGrandparentingHomosexualityHonoring your parentsIn-laws and othersLoss of a childMedia and entertainmentMenMental and emotional issuesPornographyWomenWorkaholismView all life issue topicsHOLIDAYSChristmasEaster and LentFather's DayMother's DayThanksgivingValentine's DayView all holiday topics FIND HELPListen to FamilyLife TodayView video topicsAttend an eventFind small group studiesShop our storeGet an eMentorHelp for pastorsLocate international partnersJoin our teamRead privacy policyFind us on FacebookJoin us on Twitter Call Toll Free 1-800-FL-TODAY About us Contact us Make a donation   PreviousNext © Copyright 2015 FamilyLife®. All Rights Reserved. FamilyLife® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation and all gifts are tax deductible as allowed by law.

8 lies that can destroy your marriage


Sign-up to receive our newsletter    DONATE MarriageParentingBlended FamiliesFaithBlogRadioEventsShopFind HelpSearchSUBSCRIBE Dipping Our Toes Dipping Our Toes*** Dipping Our Toes*** 00:00 00:00 Homepage / Articles / Marriage / Biblical foundation for marriage Marriage | 8 Lies That Destroy Marriage Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. By Bill Elliff   Share on emailShare on print Imagine meeting with an engaged couple a few weeks before they are married. With excitement they describe how they met and how their relationship developed. The husband-to-be proudly describes how he set up a perfect romantic evening so he could pop the big question. Then they surprise you by saying, “We want to get married and have some children. At first we will feel a lot of love for each other. Then we’ll start arguing and hating each other. In a few years, we’ll get a divorce.” Who would enter marriage intending to get a divorce? And yet, divorce is occurring at alarming rates. A large number of people in my church have been hurt deeply by divorce—they’ve been divorced themselves, or they’ve felt the pain of a parent or relative divorcing. As common as divorce is, I’m convinced that most of them could be avoided. Mark this down on the tablet of your heart: Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. Our culture promotes many deceptions that can quickly destroy a marriage. Here are eight: Lie #1. "My happiness is the most important thing about my marriage.”   As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, “I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.” But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage. The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed,” do for the glory of God. While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character … all the way to the end of time. Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. Every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness. Lie #2. “If I don’t love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce.”    It’s a tragedy to lose love in marriage. But the loss of human love can teach us to access a deeper love—the very love of God Himself. That love is patient and kind … it never fails (1 Corinthians 13). It even cares for its enemies. When human love dies in a marriage, a couple can enter into one of the most exciting adventures they’ll ever have: learning how to love each other with God’s love. Romans 5:5 tells us that this very love “has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit.” Lie #3. “My private immorality does not affect my marriage.” A lot of people think, I can view pornography in the privacy of my home. It’s just me and my magazine, or computer … it doesn’t affect my marriage.  Oneness in marriage is hijacked by sexual immorality. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:15, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?” In the 21st century, there are many ways to join oneself with a prostitute: physically, through the pages of a magazine, on a computer’s video screen, etc. Paul’s advice is the same today as it was thousands of years ago: Flee immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).   If you take your emotional and sexual energy and spend it on someone else, there will be nothing left for your spouse. Those who continually view pornography or engage in sexual fantasies are isolating themselves.  Lie #4. “My sin (or my spouse’s sin) is so bad that I need to get a divorce.” The truth is God can fix our failures—any failure. The Bible says to forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven us (Colossians. 3:13). “But,” you ask, “Doesn’t Matthew 19:9 say that God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality?” Yes. I believe that it does—when there is an extended period of unrepentance. Yet, nowhere in that passage does God demand divorce. When there is sexual sin, we should seek to redeem the marriage and so illustrate the unfathomable forgiveness of God. Some of the greatest life messages I know are the marriages of people who have repented from sexual sin and spouses who have forgiven them. Their lives today are living testimonies to the truth found in Joel 2:25: “… I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” Lie #5. “I married the wrong person.” Many people have told me, for example, that they are free to divorce because they married an unbeliever. “I thought he/she would become a Christian, but that didn’t happen. We need to get a divorce.” They recall that they knew it was a mistake, but they married anyway—hoping it would work out. Others claim that they just married someone who wasn’t a good match, someone who wasn’t a true “soul mate.” A wrong start in marriage does not justify another wrong step. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good,” says Romans 8:28, “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” God tells us not to be poured into the world’s mold. Instead we are to be transformed and that begins in our minds. By doing this, God will give us exactly what we need for our lives. God’s will for us is good, acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2). Here’s the key for those who are now married: The Bible clearly says do not divorce (with the exception for extended, unrepentant sexual immorality). God can take even the worst things of life and work them together for good if we will just trust Him. Lie #6. “My spouse and I are incompatible.”  I don’t know a lot of husbands and wives who are truly compatible when they get married. In marriage, God joins together two flawed people. If I will respond correctly to my spouse’s weaknesses, then God can teach me forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, mercy, humility, and brokenness. The life of a person who believes in Jesus Christ is developed by responses to not only happy things, but also to difficulties. And those very difficulties include weaknesses.   That is why we are told in Colossians 3:12-13 to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other.” My spouse’s weaknesses are not hindrances. Instead, they are the doorway to spiritual growth. This is a liberating truth. If I will respond to my spouse’s shortcomings with unconditional acceptance, my love won’t be based on performance. I won’t say, “You need to live up to these expectations.” I will be able to accept my spouse, weaknesses and all. And that acceptance will swing open the door of change for not only my spouse, but also for me. Lie #7. “Breaking the marriage covenant won’t hurt me or my children.” When divorce enters a family, there are always scars. I know this firsthand; although I was an adult when my father committed adultery and divorced my mother, decades later there are still effects. Many consequences of divorce never go away. Blake Hudspeth, our church’s youth pastor, also understands the pain of divorce. He was 5 years old when his parents divorced, and it was hard for him to understand God as Father and to trust people. “The people I trusted the most split up.” He also found it difficult to accept love from others “because I didn’t know if they truly loved me.” And Blake developed a fear of marriage. “Am I going to follow the trend of divorce, because my parents and grandparents divorced?” Blake’s father even wrote him and said, “This was the worst decision I made in my life. It was bad. It hurt you. It hurt our family. When I divorced your mom, I divorced our family because I broke a covenant that we were a part of.” Blake says that his parents (who both remarried) have embraced the gospel, resulting in him readily accepting advice and encouragement from them. “Watching the gospel play out … with my mom and dad was huge,” he says. Lie #8. “There’s no hope for my marriage—it can’t be fixed.”  This may be the most devastating lie of all. Because in more than four decades of counseling couples, I’ve seen God do the seeming impossible thousands of times. In a dying marriage, He just needs two willing parties. God knows how to get us out of the messes we get ourselves into. I tell these couples about people like Chuck and Ann, who were involved in drugs and alcohol before God restored their home. Or Lee and Greg, who were engaged in multiple affairs. God brought them back to Christ and to each other. Now they have six children and a marriage ministry. Or Jim and Carol who had taken off their wedding rings and were living in separate bedrooms and about to live in separate worlds when God redeemed them. If you begin to think, There is no hope for my marriage, realize that, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). We must combat the lies about marriage. The truth will set us free (John 8:32). God can fix anything! Copyright © 2012 by Bill Elliff. Used with permission. Bill Elliff is the directional pastor of The Summit Church in North Little Rock, Arkansas. His passion is to see both genuine revival and methodological renewal in the church. He is a frequent conference speaker, writer, and consultant to churches drawing from his four decades of pastoring and revival ministry. He is also involved in helping lead “OneCry! A Nationwide Call for Spiritual Awakening.” Bill and his wife, Holly, have eight children and six grandkids (at last count).   Next Steps: FamilyLife Wants to Help You Build Your Marriage. Here are three steps you can take to improve your relationship: Read our most popular articles on marriageListen to Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife, talk about "Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage" on a FamilyLife Today radio series.Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. FamilyLife offers dozens of fun, romantic getaways across the country. Learn how to build intimacy, improve communication, and take your marriage to the next level! Share on emailShare on print Comments You Might Also Find These HelpfulBiblical foundation for marriage8 Decisions That Will Define Your MarriageBiblical foundation for marriageShock Your Spouse and Kids With This QuestionBiblical foundation for marriageEmbracing God's Purposes for Marriage Recommended ResourceSacred MarriageBy Gary Thomas MARRIAGEBusyness and stressChoosing a spouseCommitmentCommunicationDeath of a spouseDrifting apartEmpty nest and midlifeEngagements and weddingsFinancesForgivenessGrowing spirituallyHardship and sufferingHusbandsInfidelityMarriage counselingMilitary marriageNewlywedsRealities of divorceRecovering from divorceResolving conflictRomance and SexSaving a marriageSpiritually mismatchedUnderstanding differencesWivesView all marriage topicsPARENTINGAdoption and orphansAdult childrenAnger and rebellionAttitude problemsCharacter developmentDiscipline and spankingFathersFrazzled familyGodly legacyLoss of a childMaking memoriesModesty and appearanceMothersPraying for your childrenRaising boysRaising girlsReleasing your childSexual puritySingle parentingSpecial needs childSpiritual developmentTeensTweensYoung ChildrenView all parenting topicsBLENDED FAMILYDating and marriageMultiple home realitiesRelationship with stepchildrenRemarrying your ex-spouseStaying marriedStepfamily livingStepparenting skillsWorking as a teamMinistering to stepfamiliesView all blended family topicsFAITHBecoming a ChristianChurch involvementGrowing in your faithReaching outRepentanceSpiritual disciplinesView all faith topicsLIFE ISSUESAddictionChildren of divorceCultural issuesDeath and dyingDepressionGrandparentingHomosexualityHonoring your parentsIn-laws and othersLoss of a childMedia and entertainmentMenMental and emotional issuesPornographyWomenWorkaholismView all life issue topicsHOLIDAYSChristmasEaster and LentFather's DayMother's DayThanksgivingValentine's DayView all holiday topics FIND HELPListen to FamilyLife TodayView video topicsAttend an eventFind small group studiesShop our storeGet an eMentorHelp for pastorsLocate international partnersJoin our teamRead privacy policyFind us on FacebookJoin us on Twitter Call Toll Free 1-800-FL-TODAY About us Contact us Make a donation   PreviousNext © Copyright 2015 FamilyLife®. All Rights Reserved. FamilyLife® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation and all gifts are tax deductible as allowed by law.

Saturday, 7 February 2015

the only thing a man suppose to do every day is to thank his creator so far HE is alive